As a 5Rhythms® teacher I tell myself that I need to have my shit together and be a strong, capable, evolved human that can move into and through anything that throws me off balance. I have a story that I ‘should’ be able to not get hooked into my stories and that I ‘should’ be able to see what’s really going on and have the capacity and skills to shift myself from negativity to positivity. Well, I guess I just demonstrated my weakness by admitting these ridiculously high personal expectations.
I am human. I fuck up. I get depressed.
“My mind is a dangerous neighbourhood I try never to enter alone”
Anne Lamott via Sweat your Prayers.
This Winter I have taught several darkness and shadow themed workshops. I have been riding a shady dragon into an abyss of the depths of my darkness, my aloneness, my pain and my unresolved life stories. I have allowed Winter to expose me like the leaf-fallen trees. Turning inward, I have sat vulnerable and cold in my ‘stuff’ and questioned if things will ever change? I have died over and over and left myself to rot in the decay that is my undoing. There is a comfort to recognising the bottom, to feeling the hard ground break the endless falling. It is almost peaceful to know that in the darkest chaos transformation awaits. I have travelled deeply into my darkness this Winter, I have remained committed to the task of seeing how far down I could go. I have stayed steadfast, neither straying or escaping. I have achieved greatness in the embodiment of ‘what’s wrong with me?’ I have witnessed great suffering. Thank goodness, I have danced. I have danced. I have danced. I have allowed myself to drown, to feel deeply, to wail. I have kept showing up to work, to hold space for others in my truth admist my own journey. I can be nothing more than who I am and sometimes all I have to offer is how I navigate through my own experience, partnered, held and liberated by my dance. Sometimes it’s all I’ve got and often it’s all I need. I dance in my darkness and I trust. I trust that this too will pass and I trust that sharing my process offers you something and that is my teaching and that that is enough. I trust in cycles, in the Wave, in my practice enough to dance in my darkness as long as it takes before I crack and a shard of light can penetrate. This ‘feeling deeply thing’ can be a lonely journey but I know I am not alone. Many of us ride our dragons solo into our Inner Winter Wastelands. Some of us don’t come back, some of us get lost, some of us find a short cut. As a seasoned traveller I can share the road with you. We can share the dance however you are. When you least feel like coming to class could well be when you most need to. I have no pretty images or uplifting quotes to add but I do have this song to share with you. I have danced with it many times these last few months.
Don’t stop dancing in your darkness. Your truth is radiantly beautiful.
See you on the dance floor X.
“I believe in the power of motion
the wisdom of gravity, the emptiness of true love,
the fact that there is no way out but through the body
no way up unless we all go together
no way down unless we follow the beat
no way in unless we embrace the dark